The Depth to Shallowness Ratio

We live in a world that has beauty on the inside and out—-oceans, skies, trees, flowers, mountains, animals etc. but even some oceans are quite polluted, trees rotten at their core, flowers that never bloom or wither rather quickly. The skies can become dangerous—mountains as well. Nature has it’s balance. In as much as it takes, it gives more.

We live in a world that has beauty in it’s people too, but some people fail to realize that real beauty really is on the INSIDE. It does not mean that you can’t appreciate outward physical beauty but it does mean inner beauty trumps outer beauty at every turn, and “perceived” outer beauty does not automatically translate to inner beauty.

Why do I use the word “perceived“? Well, because outward beauty in particular, especially in regard to humans, is EXTREMELY subjective. There is an “European” standard of beauty and there is an “African” Standard of beauty and even within the continent of Africa that standard differs from country to tribe etc, and there are many other standards that may not be “main stream” but it’s again—an idea of what beauty looks like on a physical level. It’s not just something that is mandated and/or looked at in the same manner universally.

People have become so consumed with all things superficial that it’s quite difficult for MOST to see past the surface. We binge, we judge (even if silently), we become extremely vain, we like people for HOW they look more so than WHO they are. In fact, there are many people who find themselves only when they realize that those who chose to be around them are only there because of how they look or how much money they make or their position–and sometimes loath their inner being.

We talk so loud and push our thoughts so heavily on others that we don’t even realize when others are uncomfortable or simply don’t even see the world in the way that you see it. It’s not that they are unaware so much as it is they just do not subscribe to what YOU subscribe to. Is it possible to think too much of yourself? Too highly of your own opinion that you try to force it down the throat’s of others? It’s called self love, right? Or is it self importance? But…aren’t we all important? Shouldn’t we think “highly” of ourselves? Let’s examine these things in depth:shallowness.

1. Is it possible to think too much of yourself? What IS TOO much? The answer to the first question is undoubtedly, yes. The world does not revolve around you. What is too much? If you pass 20 guys with your best outfit and make up and hair style and no one bats an eye or maybe only 2 looks at you— it’s really OK and something is seriously wrong with you if YOU are not OK with that. You are not the most important or beautiful/handsome person or have more importance than any other human beings, despite your desire to be deemed so. In fact, people who think like this often get the “wrong” type of attention.

Depth: It IS OK to see yourself as important, beautiful, and to think well of yourself but if you have to constantly remind yourself and others of this-— or it hurts your feelings because a stranger didn’t see or appreciate these things in you— or you feel like you have to project in your interactions with others to “enforce” this—-chances are you have some deep insecurity within yourself that you need to work on and you aren’t as confident as you’d like others to believe.

Shallowness: Everything else is just haughtiness.

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2 Is it possible to think too highly of your own opinion that you try to force it down the throat’s of others? Absolutely! Even if you think it’s for someone else’s benefit or own good, you offer your opinion/advice and you move on. Both have equal importance—your opinion/advice and moving on from the topic.

Depth: Speaking your mind, is perfectly fine! But ask yourself who is this serving before you open your mouth. If the intent is to be self serving, why are you giving this to someone else? Listen (with your heart and your ears) before you speak. It’s up to the individual to decide which way and why they want to go and no one wants to go down a path that they feel they were forced or badgered to go down—it would only be half hardheartedly done if at all. Ask yourself what would you not like to be forced down your throat ex. someone’s religious beliefs— then apply that thought to your own badgering methods.

Shallowness: Craving to be the center of attention. Attempting to “engage” or be “relevant” in a conversation when you really just want to hear yourself talk-–you fail to realize those you are talking to are not really interested in what you are talking about—they’re just being “polite”. Awareness is important.

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3. It’s called self love, right? Or is it self importance? But…aren’t we all important? Shouldn’t we think “highly” of ourselves? Thinking of yourself as better than others in general is not self love, it’s called being a narcissist. Comparing yourself to other people—is not self love, it’s called envy and just being judgmental–and that often translates to how we also judge ourselves (projection). Every narcissist I have ever known “comes across as confident” but they are really very insecure inside, which is why they need/crave EVERYONE ELSE’S VALIDATION in one way or the other because otherwise they feel inadequate.

Depth: Self love is loving yourself IN SPITE OF what society or someone else tells you is beautiful. It’s loving yourself without having to verbally TELL everyone that you do. It’s not about how you dress or how much you talk about yourself or even your physical appearance in general. Don’t mistake confidence for ego—they are NOT the same. Ego is easily inflated, confidence is not. Ego is proud, confidence is confidence and it speaks for itself— you do not need to speak for it.

Shallowness: You love yourself in as much as other people give you permission to or compliments. You think people who are not loud, and type A personalities, not eager beaver to be the center of attention, or center of every conversation—to be boring or lacking in confidence without even really knowing them. Humble people never have to tell people they are humble, just like proud people have no need to tell people they are proud— and yet they do.

Toxic Personality Types

They go by many names:

Type A personalities| Overly Blunt people|Extroverts| Energy Vampires

Depending on your answers to the questions below, and if you’ve answered very honestly, then you most likely have a toxic personality. There are underlying reasons why people develop in this way and it’s not due to strong character, great self confidence and perseverance, etc—it’s usually quite the opposite. They feel inadequate in many ways, so they overcompensate by trying to be over the top, attention seekers all of the time.

Before I go further, I want to be clear, this post is not meant to be mean or bash anyone; it’s a post to inform and create awareness and maybe open the eyes of some, who may have been walking around this whole time with their the eyes shut–most likely out of a defense mechanism they developed as a child. Some common traumas are abandonment issues, general insecurity no matter what form, and lack of accountability.

Not all defense mechanisms are good—they may have helped you to get through something temporarily but depending on your answers to these questions below, it did not actually help you resolve the problem because you are still carrying around a crap load of baggage–quite in plain sight to others, though you may be completely oblivious that it is so visible to those around you. Some are worse than others, but they all suffer the same condition. The first step is awareness, then action, so that some healing can take place, but you’ll have to go into a deep dark place of vulnerability and honesty to get that complete healing since you’ve only been covering/masking up as a meager means of compensation.

Questions:

1. Can you have an opinion and respect other people’s opinion as well, when logical, factual, and sound, even though it may differ from your own?
   • Most toxic personalities do not respect other people’s opinions when it differs from their own. In fact, they will try to find any and every reason to interject and persuade why their opinion is right and the other person’s opinion is wrong. They have a need to feel as if they are always right, no matter the expense. Any and everything is always up for immediate debate—if you disagree with them.
2. Are you annoyed by others talking in a group setting, in spite of your own conversation, or do you feel as if everyone and everything should revolve around you and your conversation?
   • Inevitably, the attention must always or very close to always be on these people or they get annoyed and will try to either drag you into their conversation as well OR join into your conversation with them as the new main speaker because they crave to be the center of attention at all time.
3. In a group setting among friends, colleagues, or family when there is a decision to be made about where the outing will held and you are the one who spearheads the group (naturally, right?), do you ask others where they would like the outing to be OR do you give them options you have already picked and most likely already decided on in spite of you asking?
   • This is classic. Most toxic people are also very selfish and want to feel as if they are in control of others (often because they lack much self control within themselves or in their personal lives) even with small things such as this, and although they may outwardly appear, at times, to be generous or considerate, they have already decided on where the group will go and also where they will not be going even if they asked for others opinions. They only want it to appear as if they care about your opinion. They are only hoping the majority will agree (remember they are always right) on what they have already internally decided on. If by chance the majority does not agree, then they will try their best to sway the general opinion as to why they should go to the place they had in mind all along and not where the majority wanted to go. In general, they tend to be very manipulative/cunning in their interactions with others.
4. Are the conversations you have with people almost exclusively about you ? Do you find yourself getting bored when the topic is NOT about you?
   • Imagine, if you will, having to listen to someone talk about themselves whenever you engage in conversations or have any interaction with them. They do not consider what you want to talk about or how you are feeling or your day or what is going on with you and those around you; even when they do ask about you, its only in passing , almost as a formality, but not out of real curiosity or concern; they simply only care about themselves and letting you know all of their troubles, woes, joys, and victories. They enjoy being nurtured but do not nurture in their relationships or friendships—and have a very hard time doing so. They generally are takers.
5. Do you choose your relationships with people based on what the person can do for you and/or what you can get out of the relationship or person?
   • Now, someone may argue that everyone, regardless of their personality, chooses people based on this. I would counter that by saying that is simply not true. Although we all make decisions on our friends and partners based on mutual compatibility (ex. common hobbies/goals, good communication, mental compatibility, physical attractiveness, etc) not everyone makes decisions based on WHAT a person can DO for them–ex. financially, emotionally, career wise. These are not factors driven by love, common interest, and mutual respect, those are factors driven by greed and selfishness. In a good relationship, both people are bringing good things to the table, not out of benefits, but out of love and mutual respect for eachother. Toxic people are always draining others of energy—rather that comes in the form of money, emotions, time, and/or influence.